The Random Tales Of Emmett Cullen
by Homicidal Potatoes
Summary: Takes place through the entire series. This is what Emmett does when he has nothing else to do. mild language if any.
1. Emmett and the homicidal potatoes

I would just like to say that if any of this looks familer, it is because one of my firends (who shall be punshied ruthlessly) posted it on her account without asking me first....

**DISCLAIMER:**

**I only own the plot and nothing else untill Frank comes in, and if I did own the Twilight sega, Edward and Bella would be dead right now....\**

One last thing, this entire thing will be happening during the first book, and will only be untill Emmett goes to Egypt, and you will see why

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Chapter 1:

Emmett and the Homicidal Potatoes

One day Emmett was taking a nap (and yes I know he can't take naps but I don't care because this is MY story…) and he started to toss and turn, and as he did this Edward started cracking up.

"Um, Edward, are you Okay?" Bella asked him when he finally stopped rolling on the floor with laughter.

"It's Emmett…. You should see…what he is. …Dreaming about…" He said in between giggle fits.

"Wait, dreaming? But vampires can't sleep…."

"Hmmmm, beets me, so what is happening Edward?" Carlisle asked.

INSIDE THE HEAD OF EMMETT CULLEN

(Emmett POV)

I was running…but from what I didn't know…

I suddenly turned around and saw that some potatoes were fallowing me with a gun…And I did what most people in the world would do when they saw an inanimate object running after them with a gun, I screamed…Then I remembered I was a vampire and couldn't be killed with a gun, so I stopped running. Now that was a BIG mistake, because as soon as I stopped running, I was getting shot at, and random potatoes were being thrown at me… Let me tell you, even if you are a vampire it is still not pleasant be shot with, like, 20 bullets at a time, and hard potatoes at the same time…

Suddenly I was awake, and all of my family members were laughing at me…Edward, I thought knowing that he told them about my dream…wait, to dream I had to have been asleep, but wasn't it impossible for vampires to sleep?

"Well apparently you are the acceptation to that rule Emmett," Edward said, answering my unspoken question.

"It is strange that you could sleep, even if for that short amount of time" Carlisle said, as if knowing what I had thought.

The rest of my family just looked at me and shook their heads saying stuff like "Oh, Emmett," or haven't finished giggling yet. Rosalie was just staring at me like I was some kind of moron.

"WHAT?" I asked/yelled.

"Come on Emmett," she said as she left the house heading for the garage.

"Where are we going?"

"To find you a therapist."


	2. Emmett and the therapist

**Chapter 2! please review! This story will probly update slowly, but the chapters will be longer or there will be more put up in one day dependng on how long it takes me to update....**

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Chapter 2

Emmett and the Therapist

(Emmett POV)

I didn't like this therapist that Rose is making me go to. He's always asking about my feelings. If I really told him how I felt about his crap, the man would probably burst into tears.

"Come now Emmett, the man isn't that bad is he?" Edward asked.

"Edward, he makes me talk to a sock puppet…A FREGGIN' SOCK PUPPET FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"

"Emmett you need to calm down, at least he hasn't had you do the random ink spot test."

"Wrong, that was on e of the first tings I had to do when I went for the first time."

"…Okay…so how long have you been going to see this man, and what is his name?"

"About five weeks, and he is Dr. Splavick."

"So you've gone for about five weeks and he just now got to the talking to the puppet thing?"

"Yeah, surprised me too. But next session we are supposed to do that one test thing where he says a word and I just say the first thing that pops into my head…"

Edward just chuckled and said, "Emmett by any chance are you going to a children's therapist?"

"I don't know!"

"Well in the waiting room is there a bunch of little kid toys?"

"Well now that I think about it, yes there is a lot of little kid toys…"

"Emmett, I think that you need some serious help if Rose has you signed up for sessions with a children's therapist…"

Emmett just looked at him and then ran off to find Rosalie to ask her about why she one; signed him up for therapy in the first place and two; why he was seeing a therapist for five year olds…


	3. Part one of the WalMart adventure

**OKay, just to let you know, Emmett doesn't get to Wal-Mart for a while...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, or else Emmett would be the main character and Bella and Edward would be dead......**

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Chapter 3

Emmett goes to Wal-Mart Part 1

(Emmett POV)

"I'm bored!" I exclaimed while sitting there doing nothing.

"Then go do something." Jasper said wile reading his stupid war book for the millionth time.

"What am I supposed to do?"

"How about…" Jasper said, as he seemed to be thinking hard on how to get Emmett out of the house so he could read in peace. "Go and get kicked out of the Wal-Mart."

"Hmmmm, that does sound fun…"

So off I went to go scare the poor humans un-lucky enough to be at Wal-Mart today. I got into my jeep and realized I didn't really know where Wal-Mart was. So I ran back into the house to find Edward. "Hey Edward, where is the nearest Wal-Mart?" I asked in awesome super speed vampire talking when I found him.

"Why do you want to know?"

"Because I need something to do, and because we never go to Wal-Mart, I thought I should go and try to get kicked out. And I came to ask you because Alice would NEVER step in one, I think I annoyed Jasper to much so I won't even try, and if I asked Rosalie she would just take me back to that creepy guy with the sock puppet…"

Edward let out a sigh, "Fine, it's by the library."

"Where's that?"

So Edward gave me the directions and I was off yet again!


	4. Part Two of the WalMart adventure!

**HI!**

**I'm sorry about the shortness about the storys, its just on normal days I don't have the attion span to actualy sit down and write soemthing thats really long or else I get really distracted by other ideas and never finish the first one......but rest asshrued, over any breaks that I spend over at my grandparents house, I will have nothing to do (I mean that literaly, the nearist stor is 15 minutes away by car, and I can't drive....) so the chapters WILL get longer and there will end up being a large quantity of them too.....COOKIES FOR ALL OF YOU THAT REVIEW!!!!! I mean really, I have about 3 reviews and I couldn't be anymore happy, I ran around the house for 5 minutes doing my happy dance (which got me weird looks from my dog and parents.....)**

**DISCLAIMER: Well since I'm writing on FANfiction, I don't own the Twilight Sega......**

**okay, after that really long authers note the story!**

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Chapter 4

Emmett and the Hobo

(Emmett POV)

Okay, so as I was following Edwards's directions…I got lost, big shocker there. So I just started randomly driving around, looking for the Wal-Mart. After driving around for about five minutes I got bored and pulled over to ask, yet again, for directions.

When I stepped out of my jeep I saw a man sitting on the side of a building hunched over with a can for collecting money.

OMCC! It's a hobo! I thought as I walked over to him at human speed. "HI HOBO!" I yelled when I got to him, earning a few strange looks as people walked by, but what did I care, it was a HOBO!

"Hello…" The man said in a raspy voice, that would be barely audible to human ears, but I could hear perfectly with my super awesome vampire hearing.

"So, hobo…what's your name?"

"My name?" He asked as if he couldn't remember it himself.

"Yes, your name."

"Frank…"

"Well hello their Frank, I am Emmett Cullen, nice to meet you!" I said enthusiastically as I held out my hand to shake his.

Frank looked up and slowly shook my hand. "Nice to meet you."

"So Frank the hobo, would you like to come to Wal-Mart with me? We can get some food, create random havoc, that kind of stuff…"

"Um…sure…" Frank said hesitantly as if I was just pulling his leg and was going to dump him somewhere to let him die.

"Okay, but the deal is you have to tell me the way, then you can get whatever you want, paid for by me!"

"Okay…" As he spoke these words, Frank stood up and followed Emmett back to the Jeep.


	5. Emmett and Frank get to WalMart

**I'M SOOOOOOO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG!!!! Yeah, just so you know, I'm a REALLY lazy person (which is one of the reasons I write) so updates will be either sooner or later, just whenever I feel like putting it up............**

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Chapter 5

Emmett and Frank Finally Get to Wal-Mart

(Emmett POV)

Okay so we finally found the Wal-Mat, surprisingly Frank knew where everything was, I guess when your lost just find a hobo and ask for directions…

"So Frank what do you want to do first?" I asked after he finished eating two bags of bread, head of lettuce, a bag of Cheetos, some random food from the Chinese place next door, and an entire box of zebra cakes.

"Um, treadmill skating?" He said, as he was wiping the remains of the last zebra cake off his face.

"Nice idea,"

So after we went and fixed up all the treadmills and turned them on, we had to wait until all the stupid workers went off to help people. Then we started! It was harder than I thought it would be…if not for my being a vampire, I would have landed flat on my face. Shockingly enough though, Frank was awesome at this…

So after a small old lady with silver hair came and kicked us out of the workout equipment aisles we went on to buy many packs of Skittles…So once we got our Skittles we ran off to the men's clothing section, but first I had to look at their boxers…So I was looking through the boxers while Frank was picking out some clothes, I found some 'Chick Magnet' ones that looked like the ones I already owned, some Simpson's with Homer blowing up a grill, random Family Guy boxers and so on. After all of my searching I found some with squirrels on them.

"FRANK!"

"What???" He said, frightened by my outburst.

"Found what yo0u want yet???"

"Yeah"

"Okay give what you have to me and I'll pay for it."

So Frank handed me the clothes he picked out and I ran as fast as I could in human speed and paid for the stuff.

"I just got the best boxers ever," I said as a mater of fact holding them up for him to see.

Frank didn't seem to care about my discovery and ran off to the men's section yet again with some skittles, and I followed him after I stopped admiring my new boxers. When I got there I hid in a cloths rack, as did Frank. In only a few moments, this big guy walks by, so when he comes by me I whispered, "The fat man walks alone!", and then jumped out with some skittles and yelled "TASTE THE RAINBOW FAT MAN!" while throwing the skittles at him (not with my super vampire awesome strength though.)

Just then I see Alice walking through the front doors of the store…

"Oh, no…LETS HIGHTAIL IT FRANK!" So after I said that I grabbed Frank, ran out the fire exit, hoped into my jeep and drove away as fast as possible.


	6. Cullen AntiDrug thing ma whatervers

**Hey, I wrote this a while ago, just never really got to put it up, I got really bored soooooooooo yeah, if it sucks don't blame me!**

**Disclamer: I don't own Twilight because if I did, I wouldn't be writing on FANFiction.......**

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Cullen Anti-Drug Things...

Edward:

"Don't do drugs because it kills brain cells and makes you stupid."

"No one cares about that kind of stuff Edward." Emmett said after Edward got done.

"And what's yours going to be?" He asked.

"You'll just have to wait and see!"

"Oh-no, your blocking your thoughts, that means it's something extremely stupid…"

Alice:

"Don't do drugs because your wasting money you could use to go shopping with!"

"I like yours more than Edwards, at least it has something people care about."

"Thank you Emmett!"

Rosalie:

"Don't do drugs because even with them you're not prettier than me."

"NICE ONE ROSE!"

"Your still going to that therapist again Emmett."

"Dang…"

Carlisle:

"Don't do drugs because it is harmful for your body."

"THAT'S WORSE THAN EDWARD'S!"

"I didn't ask for your opinion Emmett."

Esme:

"Don't do drugs because it would disappoint your parents."

"Okay, no one cares about that, but at least it's not like education…"

"Thank you…I think…"

LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

EMMETT CULLEN!!!!!:

"Don't do drugs because with or with out them you will never be as awesome as me!"

"Emmett…" Edward said, a little like he was about to strangle me…

"Yes?"

"Just, never sign us up for something like this EVER again…"

"Fine!" Emmett said as if he was a little kid.


	7. Authors Note, announcements!

I would like to say sorry to all who read and review that this is tacking so long; I am a bad author that way because I'm really lazy….

**But I would like to announce the addition of a Co-Author. She is my friend who has been writing on Fan Fiction not very long now, but has an Emmett humor story that has just been discontinued. The reason for this is the fact that she has been receiving some flames about her story and has taken some hard hits.**

**I would like to let you all know that I will never end a story because of flames, but direct them to my friends Pit Of Despair to aid in the killing of many hated book characters.**

**The last announcement is that I am tacking part of a script writing contest that will be taking part the moth of April, where I am going to write a 100 page screen play in 30 days, so I will be putting most of my effort into that along with the two books I have to write for first graders. I might put them up for pubic view, but it depends on what this play is about on which site I put it on.**

**I wish you all a good day.**

**The new co-authors user name is **_Jasper Will Kill My Toaster_**, if you want to see how closely our stories are, look at hers and you will see that things will not change in the least bit.**

**-Homicidal Potatoes**


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